Tag: relationships

Blogging From a Depressed Mind V

Live from the work computer located in Vilseck, Germany, it’s the fifth edition of…

“Blogging From a Depressed Mind”.

Let’s get started.

First, let me go ahead and put myself on record and say that I’m feeling alright these days. I work to keep myself busy, sharp, and focused. When I’m off, I decompress as best as I can so I can be ready to carry another heavy load of [metaphorical bull feces]. I’ve started to coin a phrase lately:

“I can complain, but I won’t…”

It’s been extremely helpful both emotionally and mentally.  If it’s unimportant, insignificant, and/or completely unnecessary, I cut sling load…

I made a list in hopes that I can stay on track about the things I want to cover, so…

Social Media

This was, and in some respects “still is”, a big one. Normally, I absolutely detest logging into Facebook. The only exceptions to the rule are playing Zynga Poker and keeping in touch with my immediate family members. Aside from that, I’ve pretty much done as much as I could to avoid it. I feel like a bunch of time is wasted on that site. People trying their damn hardest to fake happiness with their poorly edited pictures, constantly sharing new and popular [ridiculously stupid] memes that went viral, and political conversations lacking any kind of substance or open-minded contributions.

“You name it!” There’s something completely dumb to look at for everyone.

Again, I’m trying to limit my exposure to the site. These days, I’m more inclined to say some really ignorant or mean-spirited [stuff] just to piss people off or whatever the particular case in question may be. That’s not the part of myself I’d like to share for the Internet.

(Also, misery loves company, but not everybody wants/needs to be a part of that.)

Instead, I’ve opted for a “polite declination”, one where I don’t say anything and just move on despite everything in my head telling me to “…let them know how you really feel.” It’s not that I’m too afraid to speak up. It’s simply a combination of a number of things:

  • I’m too bold at times when I’m pissed off.
  • I say too often after the proverbial smoke clears “…the content of what I told you was correct. The delivery, however, was not. I apologize.”
  • There’s a great possibility that I would go unheard and that would only piss me off more.
  • By contributing in the ignorance, I, too, have become just as ignorant.
  • At almost thirty, I no longer have the emotional temperament.

Death has (regrettably) become more frequent

2016 has not been without personal challenges, but I can honestly say that I’m further along than I was last year. Still, I have a very heavy heart whenever I start to reflect and remember the death of two men I knew very well this year. Those two Army soldiers, men I’ve served with, both committed suicide. You could say that depression was prevalent. You could also say that they were in very bad places. I refuse to speculate.

What I do know is that [stuff] like this really hits close to home. I have had my recurrent bouts with depression. I still do. I’ve also found myself at the mercy of very tough times, hardships, etc. within my own marriage. I’ve questioned a lot of things ever since I got medically booted from the Army. None of those questions have answers and I really don’t think I’ll find them.

Image may contain: one or more people and close-upSo, I got this tattoo to remind myself that life shouldn’t be taken for granted. K.Y.S.A [keep your self alive] is something that I’ve been determined to get tattoo’d on me and I did it. I love the way it looks; it’s not perfect but that’s what I was going for. And it’s right in a place where I can look down, pat it with my right hand, and press on with teary eyes. It helps.

#MakeMarriageGreatAgain

It’s incredibly hard.

My wife has had a tough life, one that has her battling with demons from her past quite frequently. Let me tell you something; if your wife is dealing with anything, it’s a [freaking] family affair because it affects everyone in the house. It saddens me to see her down when I do. It also saddens me when I’m emotionally punished for what happened to her once upon a time. It’s very tough for me to come to grips with the reality that I, myself, can’t always fix her issues so that she’s not sad. It’s like being a four year old kid, drying the tears from your mother or father’s face but still not having the ability to take away their hurt. Add in the fact that I still battle through my depression and you’ve got yourself a very tough time for two people.

Marriage isn’t without its challenges. It never will be. It’s one of those things you can’t prepare for until you’re actually married. You begin to see how ugly your partner can be. You also see how beautiful they can be too. What makes it hard is finding the strength to accept them for who they are and love them with all of your heart. What makes it so rewarding is seeing two people that love each other through nearly everything. I cannot say with certainty that my wife and I will stay married. I have my reasons. What I can say for sure is that I’ll give it every bit of a shot that I can to make it work.

That’s what a real man, a real husband, does.

Remarks complete.

 

An Open Letter to Last Year.

To those it may concern,

I come as humbly as I can this fine Wednesday morning in Germany, reflecting on the past once again. It’s strange, I must admit. The more I look back at some of my most painful, challenging moments, the more distant it becomes. Still, the occasional event or incident finds its way back into my head. Instead of denying or repressing these particular moments in question, I embrace them. When you’re on your journey going wherever you’re going, a good or bad reminder always seems to make it more…enthralling.

I’m not dead. Many would say that goes without saying, but I’ve come to realize that a lot of people resemble zombies, slowly but surely dragging themselves to a dead end to find an end to their misery. On the contrary, I’m determined to climb ladders, ladders which enable me to reach new heights in my life both personally and professionally. It’s very easy to pick and analyze a particular moment where I made a poor choice, where my judgment wasn’t really up to par with the appropriate intent. I’m well aware that personal relationships may be forever tarnished or burned along with bridges set to bring me closer together with others. And while I am very remorseful for the way things went, I refuse to take residence in the past.

It’s over.

The occasional visit is fine. The reminder of how far I’ve come and where I want to go is critical. For nine years, two months and one day, I dedicated my life to serving in the US Army. Many people came before my own ambitions and goals. Today, a proud, honorably discharged veteran stands before you doing the same, however therein lies an addendum. I will put my ambition on the forefront because they matter just as much as everyone else’s. I have goals. I have plans. I have ideas. None of the aforementioned items include failure or living in a fabricated belief of what other people may want me to be. I am, simply, who I choose to be. That choice is “better”.

I encourage you to watch. I encourage you to maintain whatever negative belief(s) you may hold near and dear to you. By doing this, you’re going to have a very stark contrast to compare once you take a moment to glance at where I am in my life today and in the future. I’ve been awfully low, to the point where I didn’t know where up was in relation to down. These days, I’m so much more stronger, healthier, and focused as a person. I’d even go on record to say that I’m hungrier. I’ve got a lot of determination to improve more than most. I will do this. I believe in progression. I believe in success. I believe I’ll be a better, stronger person the further I go in my life. I assure you of that, if nothing else.

Sincerely,

Alan (Sledge)

Remarks complete.

Marriage Life IV

I hate being married.

Let’s just start with that. Do I love Wife? Absolutely, but I absolutely hate being married. In this blog post, I may encourage you to do one or more of a few things:

  • Discourage you completely from getting married at all.
  • Laugh at my misfortune(s)
  • Feel bad for my current status as a married man

The purpose of this post is to simply express myself. It starts with me, so let’s get it going, shall we?

I feel like I’m not good enough.

Wife has asked me many times why I’ve suggested divorce numerous times. She likes to think that I only say it out of the passion of my feelings during a heated “discussion”. I disagree. I suggest divorce because I don’t like the idea of staying in a marriage just for the sake of staying in a marriage. I don’t like being in a “loveless” marriage, where two people do things out of spite, instead of love. That’s what my parents did. That’s what my friends do. I refuse to do that. Now, there are two solutions to this predicament. You either work on it, or you cut your losses.

I don’t want to sound like a (whatever you wanna call ’em) on Wall Street, but I truly believe everything you put your time into is an investment. Marriage is no different. If you get married, you see it as a long term thing. Maybe that’s what I fear the most: a long term marriage. I’ve never had one before. I’ve never even had a long term relationship longer than my current.

I blame myself, mainly because I’d like to think there were choices, or that choice can currently be made, in order to right the ship. It’s hard in general, but it’s completely hard for me. It’s harder because I believe my defense mechanism is to turn and run. I ask myself (and you, the reader) this question way too often:

“If you could prevent causing someone else pain, would you?”

The answer, my answer, is always “yes”. Truth be told, I will take the blame and carry the weight on my shoulders more often than not. As a man, I feel like even if you don’t cause a certain catastrophic event, you take the humanitarian route and you look to fix it. Cause and effect. I understand most people, particularly men, won’t think this way. It’s fine.

I’m not most men.

I stopped feeling “sexy”.

Whenever I come out of the shower, I never tend to rush to put on clothes. I expect that to change in the coming winter season. Right now, however, I don’t make getting dressed my first priority. I love my body. Yeah, I’m slim, skinny, lanky, whatever, but I love who I am. I have only had one body and I’ve learned to love every bit of who I am.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only one.

Wife just walks by and ignores me. I can’t remember the last time she gave me a compliment. She was never big on them in the early beginnings to start with anyway. Still, I think it would be nice to say something nice about me. Ever since we got married, the sex started fading away. I expected it, but like most men, I believed I could “sex” it out of her.

Yeah, that didn’t work too well.

My mind is on bringing her to an orgasm. Wife’s mind is about what she’s going to do tomorrow, how long before she has to go to work, or the “true identity” of the female that texted my phone, commented on my Facebook, or what have you. So, now, for the longest of time, sex just doesn’t happen. Even when it did, it was out of the sheer fact that she was just trying to exercise her sexual demon. Once it was all said and done, she went on with the rest of her life. I would feel dead afterwards, as if the life had been sucked out of me. It’s how I got to this point.

Hoping for better days.

If it were up to me, right now, at this moment, I would file for divorce. I would never get married again. I would move on knowing that I pushed so hard to love and cherish and whatever else and I couldn’t do it. I think for someone so susceptible to depression like myself, you really have to be careful about pursuing love. I say that because sometimes we forget about love and what it means and how it feels. These days, I’ve had more “discussions” than make up sessions with Wife. I feel like we resent each other, like we’re angry with one another for not being where we want to be in the marriage. I started smoking, something I could never believe I would seriously do years ago. And I ask myself these questions:

  • What happened to you?
  • Where did you go wrong?
  • Can you ever really truly love someone?

These are questions I’m sure I’ll have the answer to over time. For right now, I’ve got to really think about my life and where I want this marriage to go. It’s all about doing right by myself and Wife. We will see in time. Thank you for reading.

Remarks complete.

Blogging From a Depressed Mind IV

Oh, wouldn’t you like to know.

Folks, I’m back. For the seven of you that haven’t removed me from your blog follow list, this one’s for you. Let me touch on that a bit. I’ve been gone. I’ve been gone because I’ve been busy. I’ve been productive. I’ve been focused. At times, I’ve been happy…and that should make you happy.

Isn’t that the goal? It is for folks with depression.

I return with questions that I’m certain I won’t find the answers to. Maybe one day, I will. Maybe I won’t. The best case scenario for me is just to air them out and move on.

I don’t know where I went wrong in my marriage.

I believe Wife is the last stop. I mean, like ever. (Let’s hear the collective “duh”) What I mean is that if, and I mean IF, this marriage doesn’t work, I’m never getting married again. It’s not because I don’t believe in her. I do. It’s because I’m starting  to doubt how I could even love someone else.

  • Can I be truly happy and satisfied with one person, in spite of their weaknesses?
  • Can I be emotionally fulfilled with loving feelings, in spite of my own struggle with depression?
  • Can I be understood?
  • Can I be expected to provide for my family without constantly having a dark cloud over my head?

I know she would feel the same way due to her previous encounters in life. At the same time, I think we all reach a point in the marriage where you’re wondering what the Hell you’re doing, why you do it, and if it’s even worth doing. I’m still learning, but damn it… marriage is so [freaking] hard. I’ve put so much into this union. I’ve put so much into her. I just wonder why it seems like it’s not good enough for the both of us. Why do I feel so alone? Why does her past hurt her so much that she can’t enjoy her future?

How in the Hell are broken people supposed to live in such a horrible world?

With the population of the world being what it is, I’m certain I’m not the first to ask this. I’m not the first to have these issues. This depression, this struggling marriage, these feelings…it’s ridiculously sad. But I think back to myself because it’s personal. Everything I aim to do, I think about my family, my future, my ambitions, my goals, first. I admit I get in my own way a lot of the time, but I’m trying so hard. I’m really trying so hard.

Black Lives Matter vs Essentially Everything Else

I’ll keep this short. People that say “All lives matter” miss the point. Completely. I would LOVE to think that that may be true. If it were true half the time, I wouldn’t have an argument. But it’s not. As far as I’m concerned, “All lives matter” needs an asterisk. For example, All Lives Matter*

*Except for equality for the LGBT community, persons of color, law-abiding illegal immgrants, refugees, etc.

People talk…and sometimes, that ALL THAT THEY DO. There is no action. There is no attempt to better the world around them. They leave it up to other people to do the work. But what gets fixed when we keep passing responsibility around like a hot potato?

Nothing gets done.

I’ll change my opinion on the subject when I see ANYBODY from an “All Lives Matter” group go protest, become an activist, or anything more than someone trying to shut down someone else’s legitimate argument.

I’ll leave it at that, man. Thanks for reading my rant.

Remaks complete.

Stop Quitting

No, the worst has not happened. I’m not dead. I’m still here.

 

(Still one of my favorite GIFs ever)

I started doing the unthinkable again. I started thinking to myself. I started thinking about life and the people in it. I started thinking about why people are so unhappy, why depression is so rampant in our society. I thought about all kinds of things, but I just kep coming back to one word:

Quitting.

It’s 2016, and like many many years before it, I started to notice a certain trend take off. Gamers start to leave their online lobbies once they realize they have no chance of winning. Uno players are flipping tables and decks all around the world because they got hit with another cursed “Draw Four”. Kids are growing up violating one of the more sportsmanlike moves in any sport: shaking hands. Regardless of a narrow victory or a complete blowout, they would rather hold onto their pride and forego the appreciation for the game, than to be respectful.

Relationships are no different. Social media, and its users, encourage people to get out of relationships/marriages, in favor of living a short phase of happiness and freedom while being single. Men go after women and then walk away when things get tough, not when there’s a reasonable motive to leave. Women only make matters worse when they take relationship advice from women that aren’t even in relationships (and maybe, never experienced one on a long term level).

I ask myself “WHY?” Why does it seem like people are more okay with giving up and quitting than they are about fighting and winning? I figured it out (I think).

It’s easier to quit and lose than it is to win.

If you look at success stories from people that have found fame, fortune, and/or the like, you hear about so many different obstacles in their lives.

“I couldn’t read until I was 15.”

“My family was poor, so it was hard for me to do anything.”

“*insert disease here*”

“My parents died so I became Batman.”

In short, people accomplish things and win, out of spite of their environments, not because they quit. It’s easy to let go, to quit, to walk away from a situation. Everybody can do it. But you also have to understand that there is no winner without a loser being present. It happens and it will continue to happen if you quit every single damn time.

So, stop giving up on yourself.

You’re going to have a bad day. Things won’t always go your way. Something is bound to go wrong in your life. It is what it is. But why stop at a road block? Why give up on yourself, when in truth, you need to be your own biggest fan? You’ve got to get back up and win. There is so much truth in the difference between pain and suffering. You can’t always prevent pain, but you damn sure can prevent suffering.

Reader(s), I encourage you to step out and change your mindset of thinking it’s okay to quit often. Let’s stop this culture, this mindframe, of giving up when things get tough. There’s Hell to pay for a lot of things, but stop reaching for your wallet every time that check comes. Go out and live the best life you can. Accomplish in spite of your flaws, your weaknessess. You’ll never be better than you were yesterday by brooding over lost time and road blocks.

Stop quitting and win.

Remarks complete.

Memento Mori

“Memento Mori”. n. definition: 1. a reminder of mortality. 2. Flyleaf’s pretty good sophmoric album release

 

 

Say “Hi” to Travis.

I met him during my time in the Army back in October of 2013. Around this time, I got talked into doing a “Tough Mudder”. The weather wasn’t that great. The obstacles were scary. Nothing about jumping into cold water turns me on. Still, we were two of six guys all venturing into unfamiliar territory as we signed up for Tough Mudder. I guess we were all Hell bent on accomplishing a task only the mentally strongest mortals could. For goodness sakes, we’re US Army Soldiers! We did complete it and we celebrated the whole three to four hour car ride, proud as ever. As diverse as we all were, that event brought us together and I will forever be grateful for that.

Some time after that, however, things didn’t go his way. Almost two years later, he had to give up his profession that he loved and was very good at by medically retiring from the Army. There were hardships at home which caused him and the wife to separate. That also meant that his time he spent with his two loving daughters was limited as well.

I can’t even begin to fathom that.

Mentally, he wasn’t in a good place. I could tell from the sometimes cryptic statuses on Facebook. I reached out every time I saw it. With distance, everything is tough, and I wish I could have been there in person. Lord knows I’ve been there mentally too many times.

Details about Travis’ passing are all over the place. Some make ’em out to be a hero that passed away at such a young age (27). Others may try to discredit everything he’s ever done. Travis was a kind, gentle soul to me when I had very few friends around. In what would be the toughest, most challenging duty stations I’ve ever had, he was a positive I could lean and depend on. For that, I will forever be appreciative. I will honor you each time I do a Tough Mudder and remember the good you gave to me and other people.

Sometimes, we learn lessons in life in the most difficult ways. I often wonder if this depression I have will do me in, if it will take me down a dark path nearly impossible to return from. “Memento Mori” comes to mind. Remember that life isn’t always heartache and pain. This, too, shall pass. Remember that life has meaning and purpose. Remember that people love you, whether you believe it or not, whether you see it or not.

To the reader, I encourage you to reach out to me if you ever feel so low. I don’t care if we are close friends or not, you can talk to me. If it’s not me you feel comfortable sharing private details of your life with, reach out to someone. If they can’t help, keep searching and keep reaching until you find the help you need. There’s enough pain going on in the world as it is. Please don’t take your own life thinking it will make things better. It won’t.

This is for Travis. This is for all who have lost loved ones in a similar fashion. I will miss you, brother. I love you.

Until Valhalla.

 

30 Poems in 30 Days (Day 15)

30 Poems in 30 Days (Day 15)
Prompt: Obfuscation
Acrostic-esque
 
Often when it’s too late do we appreciate each other
Building bridges back to
Fonder memories of happier moments
Ultimately residing in the past
Speaking to ghosts we hope would forgive our present mistakes
Clearly, this would all be avoidable if we were more
Attentive to each other, appreciating
The little bit of life we have together
Instead of passing blame and condeming mistakes and
Omitting our own
Never mind. I suppose it’s too much to ask

30 Poems in 30 Days (Day 4)

30 Poems in 30 Days (Day 4)
Prompt: truth you don’t want
(spoken word)
 
Nobody likes you.
Women spending hours like small bills
Attempting to transform into people we mutually admire
In hopes they could be put in Optimus Prime position
To capture a man’s attention
Like those same men, there’s more to them that meets the eye
They take photos to capture the essence of happiness
So they can later on remember what it felt like
Filters on social media programs provide the
Personality they traded in for prom queen votes years ago
Their phones have them looking for the right angle to
Project them further than other women with similar intentions
With so many unposted pictures (and counting)
I understand why nobody took Drafting as a course
 
Men, on the other hand, wait in long lines
For shoes too precious to wear
Ignoring the fact that many of the women they
Swore to value were the ones they stepped on
Anger and frustration holds one another hostage
Causing us to tear through walls like a juggernaut
To be accepted to a party we were welcomed to attend
But weren’t initially invited to
We claim the promise of cake was a lie
When in reality, the lie was that you were special
Whatever love you thought you felt
Was really the fear of the other person being alone
Hidden in plain sight like Legos and action figures
Now you know, and knowing is half the internal battle
 
Unfortunately, we try not to buy into the truth
Instead it’s packaged like a free sample we didn’t ask for
Only reminding us of something we knew all along
But didn’t have the heart to believe
We’re all alone in a world full of social media
And in the end…
Nobody likes you.

30 Poems in 30 Days (Day 2) again

30 Poems in 30 Days (Day 2)
Prompt: bewildered
Acrostic

Brisk nights, like tonight, remind me of the
Error I made when I said I
Would come back tomorrow
I ask, rhetorically, would it have mattered?
Last words are so precious
Daylight breaks and I grow more
Envious that God sees you daily
Resting in
Eternal sunshine while I
Drown in my own loneliness