Marriage Life IV

I hate being married.

Let’s just start with that. Do I love Wife? Absolutely, but I absolutely hate being married. In this blog post, I may encourage you to do one or more of a few things:

• Discourage you completely from getting married at all.
• Laugh at my misfortune(s)
• Feel bad for my current status as a married man

The purpose of this post is to simply express myself. It starts with me, so let’s get it going, shall we?

I feel like I’m not good enough.

Wife has asked me many times why I’ve suggested divorce numerous times. She likes to think that I only say it out of the passion of my feelings during a heated “discussion”. I disagree. I suggest divorce because I don’t like the idea of staying in a marriage just for the sake of staying in a marriage. I don’t like being in a “loveless” marriage, where two people do things out of spite, instead of love. That’s what my parents did. That’s what my friends do. I refuse to do that. Now, there are two solutions to this predicament. You either work on it, or you cut your losses.

I don’t want to sound like a (whatever you wanna call ’em) on Wall Street, but I truly believe everything you put your time into is an investment. Marriage is no different. If you get married, you see it as a long term thing. Maybe that’s what I fear the most: a long term marriage. I’ve never had one before. I’ve never even had a long term relationship longer than my current.

I blame myself, mainly because I’d like to think there were choices, or that choice can currently be made, in order to right the ship. It’s hard in general, but it’s completely hard for me. It’s harder because I believe my defense mechanism is to turn and run. I ask myself (and you, the reader) this question way too often:

“If you could prevent causing someone else pain, would you?”

The answer, my answer, is always “yes”. Truth be told, I will take the blame and carry the weight on my shoulders more often than not. As a man, I feel like even if you don’t cause a certain catastrophic event, you take the humanitarian route and you look to fix it. Cause and effect. I understand most people, particularly men, won’t think this way. It’s fine.

I’m not most men.

I stopped feeling “sexy”.

Whenever I come out of the shower, I never tend to rush to put on clothes. I expect that to change in the coming winter season. Right now, however, I don’t make getting dressed my first priority. I love my body. Yeah, I’m slim, skinny, lanky, whatever, but I love who I am. I have only had one body and I’ve learned to love every bit of who I am.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only one.

Wife just walks by and ignores me. I can’t remember the last time she gave me a compliment. She was never big on them in the early beginnings to start with anyway. Still, I think it would be nice to say something nice about me. Ever since we got married, the sex started fading away. I expected it, but like most men, I believed I could “sex” it out of her.

Yeah, that didn’t work too well.

My mind is on bringing her to an orgasm. Wife’s mind is about what she’s going to do tomorrow, how long before she has to go to work, or the “true identity” of the female that texted my phone, commented on my Facebook, or what have you. So, now, for the longest of time, sex just doesn’t happen. Even when it did, it was out of the sheer fact that she was just trying to exercise her sexual demon. Once it was all said and done, she went on with the rest of her life. I would feel dead afterwards, as if the life had been sucked out of me. It’s how I got to this point.

Hoping for better days.

If it were up to me, right now, at this moment, I would file for divorce. I would never get married again. I would move on knowing that I pushed so hard to love and cherish and whatever else and I couldn’t do it. I think for someone so susceptible to depression like myself, you really have to be careful about pursuing love. I say that because sometimes we forget about love and what it means and how it feels. These days, I’ve had more “discussions” than make up sessions with Wife. I feel like we resent each other, like we’re angry with one another for not being where we want to be in the marriage. I started smoking, something I could never believe I would seriously do years ago. And I ask myself these questions:

• What happened to you?
• Where did you go wrong?
• Can you ever really truly love someone?

These are questions I’m sure I’ll have the answer to over time. For right now, I’ve got to really think about my life and where I want this marriage to go. It’s all about doing right by myself and Wife. We will see in time. Thank you for reading.

Remarks complete.